How to Navigate Conversations 51������ Sexual Identity

How can pastors better care for people in their churches who are wrestling with complex questions about sexuality and gender? Increasingly, ministry leaders find themselves face to face with church members who are struggling not with abstract ideas but with deeply personal and relational dilemmas: “How do I respond to my daughter who says she feels like a boy?” “Should I attend my coworker’s same-sex wedding ceremony?” “My son’s high school teacher has a pride fag in the classroom — should I say something?”

The following conversation seeks to model a thoughtful and compassionate Christian engagement with LGBTQ individuals and those grappling with questions of gender identity. Guided by a deep reverence for the authority of Scripture, this dialogue explores how to navigate these complex and often sensitive topics with both grace and truth.

Dr. Scott Rae, senior advisor to the president for university mission and dean of faculty at Talbot School of Theology, is a respected Christian ethicist. Dr. Caleb Kaltenbach (M.A., '07), author of Messy Grace: How a Pastor with Gay Parents Learned to Love Others Without Sacrificing Conviction and Messy Truth: How to Foster Community Without Sacrificing Conviction, is a research pastor in Porter Ranch, California.

Through their perspectives, this conversation offers practical wisdom for pastors and church leaders on fostering a welcoming, Christ-centered approach without compromising biblical convictions. While this discussion cannot address every question, it aims to establish helpful principles for guiding churches in ministering to all individuals with dignity and respect.

What kind of posture would you advise the pastor or leader to have in shepherding their people through questions about sexuality and gender identity?

Scott Rae: I guess first, unless they’re an expert on the subject, I’d want them to just fess up to the fact that they’ve probably got a lot to learn too. My guess is that most of the pastors we’ll be addressing don’t have much contact or relationships with LGBTQ people. So I think we need to approach this from a posture of compassion and humility. At the same time recognize that we have a firm center on this. And that’s why I think it's so important that we treat people with dignity and respect, hear their stories, listen to them, understand where they’re coming from. And we’re not giving up our convictions. We’re just listening. And I think that’s the first step.

Caleb Kaltenbach: Obviously, we want to approach such questions with a posture of grace and truth. We need to imitate Jesus as much as we can. John 1:14, 17 says that Jesus came full of both grace and truth. There are examples of this grace-truth narrative throughout the Gospel of John. You see it in John 3 when Jesus talks with Nicodemus and begins with truth but ends with grace. In John 4, with the woman at the well, he begins with grace and ends with truth. And in John 8, you see it with the woman caught in adultery. In verse 11, where he says, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” “No one Lord,” she says. And then he says, “Neither do I condemn you. Now go and leave your life of sin.” Also, I would advise pastors to take a deeper look at people. In today’s culture, people are confused. Adolescents are very misled by what’s taught in classrooms, the latest cultural fads, and how they’re told to interpret their feelings versus what a devoted Christian parent would say. So, pastors must approach this conversation in a manner that thinks deeper about people instead of categorizing people by their sin. Yes, we call out sin. Yes, we call out sinful patterns in lives and their thoughts, words, and actions. However, we know that God created everybody in his image and likeness. Everyone is someone that God created and Jesus died for. Our dignity is based in God, not the sum of our sins.

What kind of attitudes and actions would you counsel for the pastor to not have in dealing with this issue?

Rae: I would say not to be rigid or judgmental or shaming. I think none of those are going to be productive, because we want to do more than win an argument here. We want to win a person over. And most people don’t get won over if you don’t treat them with dignity and respect. I think it’s really important, for example, with people who are same-sex attracted, that we recognize that we separate the attraction from the behavior. Behavior is, as far as I understand it, what the Scripture speaks to. And the attraction, because it’s normally not freely chosen, is something that I think we are less morally culpable for. I think the same thing is true with gender dysphoria. I mean, most kids do not choose to be uncomfortable in their own bodies. And those, I think, are both the result of the entrance of sin in the world. They’re not the way God intended it. But I think for most people who are affected by the general entrance of sin, who don’t choose those things, anything that compromises our compassion for these folks is something we ought to avoid.

Kaltenbach: In terms of attitudes and actions, let me advise you what not to do. First, don’t ignore this issue. Don’t write it off and assume: If we preach about it or if we address it in small groups and ministries, then it’s going to provoke chaos and it’s going to offend people. The truth is, whether we like it or not, we offend people all of the time. The Word of God in and of itself is offensive. Yet, that doesn’t mean we need to be offensive in how we talk to people or treat them. So, don’t be indifferent about this issue. When we ignore this topic, we are misappropriating an opportunity to disciple people. Second, don’t be too harsh. I think that speaks for itself. Third, don’t try to lighten the truth of God’s Word. Be historically accurate and interpret passages in the manner which they should be interpreted. But don’t try to lighten or gently massage a passage to make it more palatable. When we attempt to lighten God’s Word — whether through our preaching, teaching, counseling, small group lessons, or curriculum — we miss an opportunity for discipleship. We must set an example by helping congregants understand and handle Bible passages that collide with modern society’s trends. If we don’t, we’re telling them it’s acceptable to make God’s Word more palatable. Because nowadays, the temptation is to ignore or redefine Scripture.

What kind of culture would you encourage pastors and leaders to build in their church or ministry?

Rae: For one, I want to build a culture that’s engaged with the broader culture on many of these issues. We can’t put our head in the sand and pretend that just because we ignore it, then it’s not going to affect us in our churches. That’s not true. Next, I'd also want to build a culture of compassion for people who are hurting, but also a culture that recognizes where the lines are drawn biblically and theologically.

Kaltenbach: I believe the best culture to build is one where a people don’t feel like their identity in Christ is competing with their sexuality. One of the ways we do this is by creating a culture where we people know that we accept anyone and everyone, because grace is for everyone and that includes anyone. Now, let me clarify what acceptance is and is not. Acceptance means loving people where they are in the moment no matter what (Matt. 5:38–48; Matt. 22:37– 40). Acceptance does not mean that we should agree with every decision they’ve made, opinion they hold, or relationships they’re in. Equating acceptance with agreement leads to enabling and extrem-ist ideologies. We must foster a culture where people understand the difference between acceptance and agreement.

What are some things then to be careful of when navigating a church or ministry through questions about sexuality and gender identity?

Rae: If you bring in people to speak on this, be careful that you vet them really careful-ly and that they’re with you doctrinally and theologically. That’d be one thing. I think that goes similarly for the media that you make accessible to your church. Make sure you vet the people carefully for putting that out. There are a lot of websites, a lot of YouTube videos that are out there that speak to this, and some speak to it really well. Most things that you will see on the Gospel Coalition, for example, I think would be fairly reliable. And then, just be careful to treat people with dignity and respect. And I think if we have people in our churches who are not doing that, I’d want to call that out.

Kaltenbach: I would repeat a lot of what I’ve already said. I would also add that pastors and ministry leaders need to make sure their leaders — elder team, deacon team, staff team and key ministry volunteers — are all on the same page theologically.

What kinds of proactive steps, training and resources would you recommend to a pastor or a church leader?

Rae: Read up. Be educated. There’s a ton of good stuff out there.The ones who are coming to it from a distinctly Christian worldview, I think are generally reliable. But just be discerning about everything you read.

You probably won’t agree with everybody on everything in this area. So you just have to have that as a disclaimer. Mark Yarhouse is generally, I think, really good on this. He's good on sexuality. Preston Sprinkle is good on transgender issues. He bases a lot of this stuff on empirical data. I don’t agree with him on everything, but I think he's also quite good. He’s a biblical scholar first. He has really good chops as a New Testament scholar. Sam Allberry is also very good and understands the issues because he is same-sex attracted himself.

Kaltenbach: There are many good books that anyone can engage. I’ve written two books, Messy Grace and Messy Truth. We have free online Messy Grace videos on YouTube. It’s a free four-part video curriculum with Sam Allberry, Jackie Hill Perry, and so on. But there are other really good books out there. Becket Cook

(M.A. ’17) has a great one, Change of Affection. Carl Trueman’s Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self and Strange New World. Dr. John Marriott’s The Anatomy of Deconversion. John Stott’s Same Sex Relationships. Sean McDowell’s Chasing Love. And then Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With? by Sam Allberry. All of these resources will be helpful. Beyond that, I would recommend that pastors talk to their friends who are ministering and see how their churches have approached this issue. Besides studying scripture, one of the most important ways to learn and grow in this area is getting to know people in their church who are LGBTQ. Just ask them questions and listen.

What would be a bottom-line main message you’d want pastors to communicate to their people who are struggling through questions about sexuality and gender identity?

Rae: We have an obligation to remain faithful to Scripture, but we also have an obligation to love our neighbors at the same time. Not that I think we can’t do both of those things. We have to affirm convictions, but we also can’t be rough around the edges with folks who are generally hurting and who don’t want to give up their faith. But if they’re treated poorly, they’re probably going to.

Kaltenbach: To me, the bottom-line for all theology is found in verses like Matthew 22:37–40 when Jesus said that the two greatest commandments are to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself. I see this bottom-line in passages like Galatians 5:14 and Romans 13:8–10 where Paul teaches that loving your neighbor fulfills the law. Needless to say, loving your neighbor is difficult at times. Yet, “love” means having difficult conversations. It means telling your neighbor the truth. It means being patient and long-suffering with your neighbor, just as God is patient and long-suffering with us.

51�� the Experts

Caleb Kaltenbach (M.A. '07) is Research Pastor at Shepherd Church in Los Angeles and founder of The Messy Grace Group, where he helps churches love and foster community with LGBTQ individuals without sacrificing theological convictions. He's the author of Messy Truth, God of Tomorrow and Messy Grace.
Scott Rae is professor of Christian ethics and dean of the faculty at Talbot School of Theology. A noted Christian scholar and ethicist, Scott is the author of such books as Moral Choices: An Introduction to Ethics; Business for the Common Good; and Beyond Integrity: A Judeo-Christian Approach to Business Ethics.
Ben Shin is an associate professor of Christian ministry & leadership at Talbot School of Theology.

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